School Advocacy: Finding Your Voice for Your Child

Hi, I’m Áine. I’m a parent to an autistic ADHD child and I’m also the co-founder and Occupational Therapy Assistant here at Everyday OT. I wanted to start by sharing that because this blog comes from both sides of my experience, as a parent who has had to advocate for my own child within the school system and from the occupational therapy perspective that shapes the work I do with children and families every day.

I understand the theory and the OT perspective but I also understand what it feels like when it’s your child. I know what it’s like to question whether you should send the email, whether you’re making too much of something, whether you should give it another day, or whether this is the moment you need to speak up.

And that’s something I really want to acknowledge from the beginning: advocating for your child isn’t something you automatically know how to do. You don’t suddenly become confident, articulate and completely comfortable challenging something just because your child needs you to.

It’s a “journey” and sometimes a really uncomfortable one.

Advocating for your child can be hard

For many parents, school advocacy can become one of the hardest parts of parenting a child with additional needs. Most of us don’t want conflict. We don’t want to be that parent. We don’t want every email to feel like a complaint, we don’t want teachers to think we’re questioning everything they do and we certainly don’t want our child to think or feel they are "difficult" because we’ve spoken up. So sometimes we wait. We explain something away, tell ourselves it was probably a misunderstanding or wonder whether it’s really worth bringing up.

But there’s something I’ve learned along the way:

Advocacy doesn’t have to mean conflict.

Sometimes advocacy is simply helping the people around your child understand something about them that they may not yet understand.

Behaviour is only the part we can see

This is where my OT perspective comes in. When a child is struggling at school, we need to look beyond what is immediately visible. A child refusing or being unable to do something may be overwhelmed. A child who appears distracted may be trying desperately to regulate in a busy classroom. A child who can’t tolerate a particular item of uniform may be experiencing very real sensory discomfort and a child who says nothing when an adult challenges them may not be okay with what is happening, they may simply be unable to advocate for themselves in that moment.

The same applies to the child who holds everything together for hours at school and falls apart the second they get home. A child appearing to cope doesn’t necessarily mean that the environment is working for them. Participation matters. Regulation matters. Feeling safe matters. Sometimes our role as parents is to help school see the things that aren't immediately obvious.

You know your child in a way nobody else does

There will probably be emails you rewrite ten times, conversations you replay afterwards wishing you had said something differently and times you don’t speak up and later wish you had. There may also be times when you speak up very quickly because experience has taught you that you need to. That’s all part of learning how to advocate for your child.

You don’t need to become the loudest person in the room and you don’t need to know every policy, piece of terminology or educational document. Sometimes it helps to bring yourself back to one simple question: What does my child need to feel safe, included and able to participate here? That can help cut through all the noise and bring the focus back to what actually matters.

Start with curiosity, but don’t be afraid to be clear

Where possible, I think it helps to approach situations collaboratively. Asking “Can you help me understand what happened?”, “Was there something happening before this?” or “Could we try…?” can open up a conversation rather than immediately putting everyone on the defensive. Sometimes there genuinely is information we don’t have and hearing the school’s perspective can change our understanding of a situation.

But collaboration doesn’t mean you can never be firm. If something isn’t appropriate, you can say that. If an agreed support isn’t happening, you can ask why. If your child’s sensory or regulation needs aren’t being understood, you can explain them again and if your child cannot advocate for themselves in a particular situation, you can be their voice.

You can be warm and clear at the same time.

You can appreciate everything a school is doing and still raise something that isn’t working. Those two things can exist together.

Your child is learning from your advocacy too

There’s another side to advocacy that I think we sometimes forget. Our children are learning from how we advocate for them. Every time we help them understand that their needs are real, that they are allowed to ask for support, that they deserve to be listened to and that needing something different isn’t something to be ashamed of, we’re laying the foundations for their own self-advocacy.

The long-term goal isn’t necessarily that we advocate for them forever. It’s that, in whatever way is accessible to them, they begin to understand themselves, recognise what they need and know that their voice matters. Where possible, we want them to gradually develop the confidence and skills to communicate those needs for themselves.

If you’re at the beginning of this, give yourself time

You might not feel confident yet. You might still get a knot in your stomach before pressing send on an email, worry that you’re asking for too much or compare yourself to another parent who seems to know exactly what to say and how to say it.

Give yourself time.

Advocating for your child is a skill and like any skill, it develops through experience. You’ll learn when to wait, when to ask questions and when something needs a meeting rather than another email. You’ll also start to recognise those moments when that feeling in your gut is telling you, "No, I need to speak up about this."

You don’t have to do it perfectly. You don’t have to have all the answers and you certainly don’t need to become an expert overnight.

You just have to keep showing your child that when something is making it harder for them to feel safe, regulated, included or able to participate, their needs are worth speaking about.

And sometimes, until they can find their own voice, we have to lend them ours.

One last thing I need you to know

If you’re reading this with tears in your eyes, please know that I see you. I know how heavy it can feel to constantly have to explain, remind, email, meet and fight for things you wish people could just see for themselves.

So my one piece of advice is this: trust yourself. You know your child. You know when they’re not okay, even when everyone else might think they are. You won’t always get it right, none of us do, but never be afraid to be the person who knows them, believes them and stands beside them. One day, I hope they look back and know that even in the moments when they couldn’t find their own voice, you never stopped using yours.

Áine x

As always, we are here to help. If you need anything you can contact us on support@everydayotireland.com.